"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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