I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
