I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
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