I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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