I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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