so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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