you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
being pregnant is like rehab
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
