I am midnight drunk by noon
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
