i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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