If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
