I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My ATM looks so different sober.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
