my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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