Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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