i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
