i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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