I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
A bitchslap is in order.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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