I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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