Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You ruined the universe
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
