nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize