I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
