I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
