I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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