Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
