just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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