I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
soo... how was my night?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
