yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i dont even know how to be here
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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