She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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