my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
