woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
