I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
