i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
