I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
