Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
