He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
