How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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