I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
