So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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