I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
it's like heaven, but drunker
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
