Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
