my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
