saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
