I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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