WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
