dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
