Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
