Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Randomize
