I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
