My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
false alarm, still single
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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