you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
