Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize