The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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