I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
