My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize