i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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