I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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