Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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