I'll bet she douches with gravy.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She even gives head with a lisp.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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