just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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