my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
