We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
