dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We smell like vodka and hangover
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
