Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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