mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
