Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
