I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
