the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
