It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
