my phone needs a breathalizer
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize