and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
