I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
