i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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